With a budget like ours, you might think that we would say that we can’t afford a lot of things. While we talk openly about our limited finances, you won’t hear me say that I can’t afford something.
The phrase “I can’t afford” has always been an awkward one for me. I avoid saying “I can’t afford,” not because of what it reveals about our finances, but because it’s negative, makes me the victim, and solicits financial advice. There are psychological benefits of changing what you say.
It Has a Negative Connotation
When I hear the phrase “can’t afford,” it brings me back to middle school. I always cringed when mean kids would pick on kids who obviously had less than them, and say “at least I can afford ___.”
I came from a middle class family, but I always felt protective of the kids who came from poorer families. I didn’t care so much if people made fun of my off-brand shoes, but when less fortunate kids were teased with “you can’t even afford ___.” That really rubbed me the wrong way. Sometimes kids are really mean.
It’s Passive, Not Active
Saying that you can’t afford something puts you in a passive position. You’re not in charge. Someone or something else is in control. You’re the victim.
Choosing not to spend money, on the other hand puts you in an active position. You are in control! It’s not your finances that are controlling you, but you taking responsibility for your money. By voicing how I choose to spend my money, I feel empowered instead of victimized by my finances.
I Don’t Want Financial Advice
When I hear others talk about financial problems, my mind immediately tries to solve them. I don’t always give unsolicited financial advice, but I usually think it. I’m not judging, just trying to solve problems and find solutions. If a friend complains “We just can’t afford ____,” then my mind will make a quick analysis of their spending to try to find a way for them to make room in their budget.
I usually don’t want others analyzing and prioritizing my spending to help me overcome problems. Avoiding phrases like “we can’t afford” keeps the financial advice at bay. No one can argue with what I choose and it doesn’t present a problem to solve.
What I Say Instead
I take an active role in my finances by saying what I choose. For example, before we got an amazing deal on smartphones, I would say “We don’t want to spend money on smartphones right now” instead of “We can’t afford smartphones.”
Other times I will list the alternative: “Going to Six Flags would be fun, but we would rather put more toward our student loans this month.”
If my kids ask for something that costs too much or that I don’t want to spend money on I will tell them “That costs more than I want to spend” or “Let’s see if we can find it at a better price.” I also try to help them weigh their choices and focus on goals.
Am I Alone?
I very well may be the only one who has an aversion to the phrase “I can’t afford.”
That’s fine. I’m a word person. The semantic difference between “I can’t afford __” and “I don’t want to spend money on ___” is very apparent to me. At the same time, I can see how people who don’t get so linguistically involved would say that they are essentially the same.
In addition to the linguistics, the psychology behind what we say is interesting to me. If we start speaking less passively, will we become a more active participant in our finances? Will taking responsibility through our words carry over into our actions?
- Does anyone share my aversion to saying “I can’t afford ___”? Why do you avoid it?
- Is there a difference to you between “I can’t afford ___” and “I don’t want to spend money on ___?”
Hi Stephanie, I agree with you 100%. I found your page when looking for a good alternative to the words “I can’t afford”. I already knew they were counteractive to a positive mindset and to my (our) subconscious) but wasn’t sure on what to replace them with. Your article makes great sense. Thank You
I agree, I have been saying I can’t afford a lot and it is getting me down and making me sound like a victim. I don’t want to be seen as one or feel like on so thank you.
As retirees my husband and I have what I consider to be an excellent after tax income (over $50k annually). However, we are surrounded by many affluent couples here in Palm Beach County, Fl, who think nothing of dining out every night, going to sporting events, traveling on cruises or to Europe, buying art-clothes-tickets to entertainment events etc. My hubs is very social and is invited to many outings that often cost more than our weekly or monthly budget for such things.
He has often told people that he or we ‘can’t afford’ it and these friends think we are hard up or even poor (!). I on the other hand always say that it is not in the budget this week or month and say I’m fine with it, I rather plan my spending and choose to do the things we really enjoy.
I feel that constantly saying or thinking you cannot afford things is a big downer at any age. My hubs is a convert too and now uses ‘it’s not in the budget’ rather than I/we can’t afford it.
My philosophy is to keep a sizeable emergency fund and never to squander money foolishly on needless expenditures. If you spend $100 per day on fun stuff…you will soon not have enough to ‘afford’ your basic overhead and that will lead to true unhappiness.
In the end what we say or think about our financial condition may affect our actions and spending, and more importantly, our emotional health. The frugal life is actually a happy life.
Yes! That’s great that your husband is a convert. 🙂 It’s interesting what other people’s perception of frugality is. Just because you aren’t a big spender or you live by a budget people think you must be poor, when the opposite is often the case. Good for you to sticking to your values and being financially responsible!
Such an interesting article! I had to learn the hard way to stop saying “we can’t afford… “. My husband and I are blessed with better than average household income. However, we adopted the mindset 20 years ago that every dollar that comes in has an assignment. Whether it was paying off the mortgage, saving to pay cash for our next cars, saving for our children’s college. or saving aggressively for retirement. We plan and save in advance for everything. The word “Budget” is one of my favorites! But with a “plan for every dollar” and being intentional about paying cash for everything, straying from the plan takes serious consideration and ultimately means sacrifices in other areas. My extended family has a general understanding (actually assumption) about our income, and always wants to encourage us to buy bigger, buy more, buy better. I used to say “we can’t afford XYZ”, and they would respond with “Yes you can!”. It always felt like we were on the edge of an argument. it made me feel very defensive. I finally learned to say “that’s not in our financial plan this year” or something similar. It took several years for them to get it! Now that they can see the fruits of our labor (no mortgage, fully funded college funds, nice vacations, plans to retire in our 50s, etc), they wish they had been more diligent over the last 20 years, instead of always buying “what they could afford”, and often times more than they could afford. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of wanting to upgrade your lifestyle as your income grows. And while we don’t live like misers, we’ve learned to be content with “enough” instead of “more”.
You’re definitely NOT alone! I don’t want my kids to grow up and say, “We could never afford anything.” It’s just not the truth and it does play into a victim mentality. I would rather have them grow up thinking, “We are selective in the things that we do and the places we go. We look for good deals so we can do more with the money we’ve been blessed with.”
I’ve always hated “we can’t afford it”. The truth is, if we wanted it, we’d find a way to make the finances work. We just don’t want it that much.
Thankyou for your post. I was in tears this morning. My daughter said let’s go to see Zootipia. Tickets are $18.59 for 3 D movie. It is not in my budget. I have struggled with not being heard when I say it is not in my budget. I want mother daughter time and to do fun things. When my family and friends want to go out to eat, movies, take vacations it all sounds fun but I really don’t have the funds right now. I want to do things that don’t cost a lot like a home cooked meal, go for a walk, etc. Now I know what to say and feel empowered. Many blessing sent your way.
I usually say I don’t want to invest in this at the moment. Investing is a great alternative to use instead of “spending”.
That’s a great tip Mashiell! Saying “investing” really puts the spending into perspective.
For someone that hates that phrase you sure used it A LOT in this article!!
I agree! Although we too often say “we cant afford.” We have to change our language and be empowered by how we choose to live.
It is definitely empowering to acknowledge our choices!
This was very informative because I have been guilty of saying we and/or I can’t afford this or that. I have always been an independent woman, I have always strived to do better get better. I brought my first home at 28 and was employed with the same company or 19 year’s. I am a single mommy of 2 and now I’m unemployed and find myself in th is slump of I can’t afford. This as put a little light on in my brain to do better.
“Other times I will list the alternative: “Going to Six Flags would be fun, but we would rather put more toward our student loans this month.””
Lucky kids!
You talk about “choice” in this article. You “chose” to saddle yourself with huge debt AND have kids. Too bad for the kids, huh?
Judging a childhood’s merit or even level of fun, based solely on trips to Six flags and other similar entertainment experiences is a more childish viewpoint than most children of my acquaintance would consider.
Children who have loving parents are lucky. When parents choose to spend time with them, children are lucky. When parents choose to become well educated and increase their earning potential, children are lucky. When parents choose not only to be fiscally responsible, but to make children a part of their “family team”: children are lucky. When parents model responsibility, love, and grace, CHILDREN ARE LUCKY!
When you choose to build your home under a bridge, whether it is a mansion or a hovel: you are a troll!
I agree with you. Right now our daughter goes to a school where a lot of the families are wealthy and we are a family of five living with my parents because my husband lost his job and we had a lot of other things happen at the same time and we we financially Ill prepared. Now my daifhter has a lot of questions about why so n so got this or that and she can’t. We always feel horrible as parents so whenever we do get a little money we end up spending it on things that can still wait. How do you break yourself for that “guilt” feeling?
For me, it helps to focus on our financial goals when I “weigh” whether or not the spending is worth it. When I have to tell my kids ‘no’ or explain why we don’t have all the same nice things that others have, I talk in terms of our goals. Another thing that helps me not feel guilty or bad that I my kids don’t have everything they want, is that I really believe that giving them everything the want is actually good for them. I talk more about that in this post.
There’s so much that I share of your thoughts–about reasonable gift-giving, about children not getting everything they want, about delayed satisfaction, ,and about making choices about money that are in your long-term best interest. That said, I do say “We can’t afford…”, usually to my daughter, and I will continue to say it. (Mine is a bit older than yours–13–but I think this is something I probably said all the time when she was little, too.) I do get what you’re saying about making choices and being empowered, but the reality that we have faced has been that we may really like to have something, but (primarily because of monetary constraints) we’re choosing not to. I do see those monetary constraints as being somewhat out of our hands, at least as far as what the reality is at *the moment* when the decision to spend or not to spend arises. I also say things like “we just don’t have the money for that right now”, or “that’s not in the budget” (even though I don’t really have one), or “we’ve be doing/spending too much on that lately,” or “that’s not what we want to spend money on right now”, or “let’s save up for that and see if we still want it next week/month/etc”. (For the most part, my child doesn’t have a big, long, or expensive want-list. She even expresses shock at how much other kids get for this or that or how much other families spend on this or that. But sometimes she has an impulse-purchase tendency. Don’t we all!)
I guess my goal for my child is to have the mindset that you never spend more than you have, and that this behavior becomes an automatic, go-to HABIT, instead of a choice, regardless of whatever financial circumstances she finds herself in. Sometimes I think we’re better off having something so ingrained that we don’t think about it and just do what we should do. I don’t want her to have to stop and think about and exercise will-power to make a choice about every potential financial pitfall that comes her way. There are just too many of them!
I don’t usually say “I can’t afford”, but rather say “It is not in my budget”. Though when my kids ask for expensive toys (or for hot lunch every day) I have told them that we don’t have the money for that, and then break down the comparative cost… like what we could afford to do instead of buying a new movie or video game every month, if we saved all of that money for 6 months.
Putting it in perspective like that is great!
Great post and so true!! I find myself saying that a lot, even though technically we could afford all those items I say we can’t. You’re right – we’re just choosing not to. This is something I’m going to work on. Thanks for the motivation!!
I wish I had thought of this when my kids were younger. They got so tired of hearing me say “we don’t have the money” but then I would spend it on something else. Instead, we should have been coming up with a way to earn the money and saving up for it. The truth is, it’s not that we can’t “afford it” it’s just that the money has been spent on other things.
I like what another reader said about only being able to spend the money once. Thinking about it that way really makes it clear that we always have a choice.
I really liked reading your post. We’ve been living on one income for a few years now and since we’ve emigrated from Holland to Canada I’ve been trying to save more money. Our emigration made us see very clearly that finances are mainly a matter of choices (or at least they are for us). We choose to save money on certain thing so we can afford other things, without getting in debt.
My little girl (who’s turning 5 pretty soon) starts to ‘want’ things. Whenever she sees something (on tv or in the shop), she really really really wants it. I’ve been trying to explain to her how we can only spend our money once but I’ve not gotten that point across just yet. Reading your post made me realize that I might just need to tell her in a different way…
Hi Lisette! I really like the idea you shared of only being able to spend your money once. Your 4-year-old might not get it, but for older kids and grown-ups, the idea of only being able to do something once, really gives your pause to think a little harder before making the purchase.
Completely agree. I know of families that make double our income but cry poor. It is all about money management. You can easily waste money on Starbucks coffee and quick trips through the drive thru our you could not spend it on piddly things and save up for one great thing. You need to prioritize in order to have the truly important things in life. I think taking control of your point of view is a great lesson for the kids.
You’re so right! Our kids learn so much from our priorities, whether we want them to or not! So much about money management and priorities comes through to our kids without us even saying a word.
I love this topic….I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic, especially when we receive invitations for things we WOULD like to participate in but are choosing not to in order to stay within budget. When I try to avoid actually saying it’s b/c “we can’t afford it,” I’ve had people ask whether it was b/c of money. That can be awkward…..but those people are usually very close friends or family. It’s hard to know how to verbalize things to people without coming across as needy or like we want them to chime in and offer to pay for us. We were invited to a bday party and honestly don’t have the money to pay for a bday present, so I’m not sure how to decline the invite without going into all that. I’m lying if I say we are busy but can’t think of a polite way to say “it’s not in the budget this month.”
That’s a very real and potentially awkward issue Sarah. I would think about possible gifts you could give that wouldn’t cost any money. Is there something you could make? It really counts most. You could offer a service or just share a sincere and heartfelt card or letter. If it’s a child you could make a coupon for an extra fun playdate at your house.
When it comes down to it, I’m sure your friend would rather have you at the party than have you miss out because you didn’t have money for a gift (or break your budget to get a gift). I think with most people it would be fine to say “we’d really like to come celebrate with you, but we don’t have a gift to bring.” I can’t imagine someone not saying “Oh don’t even worry about it! Please come anyway!” I don’t think people just have parties to get gifts.
Good article. Not one that repeats so much of what others have already written. Your article gets to the crux that Words matter. If you are negative it has consequences and the alternatives you present more accurately reflect what I really mean when i say “I can’t afford ….”. Thanks!
Thanks! I’m a “word” person, so I always try to say what I really mean. I think words do make a big difference.
I prefer a monthly spending plan as opposed to a budget. The word budget is a negative connotation as well.
That’s great Jeff. If budgeting has a negative connotation for you, then definitely use something else. I like “monthly spending plan.” It sounds very intentional! 🙂
Money is an emotional topic and subject. Saying “no” or “can’t” is tough love. Tough love doesn’t always work with people.
The reality is, most people can’t afford what they buy. This is why credit everywhere.
Interesting post.
Mark
Saying you don’t have money for something when you honestly don’t is fine. It’s definitely important to recognize when you don’t have the money and not just put it on you credit card.
I think the importance is recognizing the distinction between when we really cannot afford something and when we choose to spend our money in other ways. It’s an issue of priorities and choices. We need to control our money rather than let our money control us.
Great perspective.
Passive/negative thinking resonates with us much differently than active thoughts.
So true! Taking responsibility makes such a difference.
So true! I grew up hearing this all the time and the moment I could afford something, I’d buy it! My spending-mentality was shaped by this phrase and to this day (I’m 45) it’s a constant battle NOT to spend. I’m desperate for my daughter’s to understand what control over money really is. It’s not simply about not spending as it was for my parents. It is about careful spending and deciding what is and isn’t important, and then IF it is important, purchasing it mindfully with money that they have in their bank account realizing that if something else “important” comes along soon, they might have to wait till they have money in hand. I want them to know the joy of being in control. Rich people aren’t people with a fancy house and new cars and lots of “stuff”. Rich people are people with money in the bank!
I’m saying it to them, but I’m saying it to me as well…
Thanks for sharing your experience MLow. I can totally see how hearing “we can’t afford that” would make you itch to spend money as soon as you got it because you could. The trick now to have the money in the bank make you content instead of having to actually buy stuff to make you content, even though you could.
Totally agree with you here. I never say “we can’t afford”…. I simply tell the kids we want to choose X over Y. Or perhaps I’ll tell them that with our current goals, it doesn’t make sense right now but we can revisit later. I always make it clear that we have plenty. An abundance. But what we choose to do with it is save or pay down debt.
I LOVE that you focus on making sure your kids feel an abundance. We really are so blessed and realizing that is key to being grateful! Anyone who is reading this has access to the internet, which probably also means they have shelter, food, clothes, and other necessities of life. So many in this world don’t even have those.
Now you have me questioning what I say! I’m sure I say “I can’t afford that” but I also say “That’s not in my budget” which is funny because I don’t have a budget.
I love that you are aware of what you say to capture this distinction. It can make all the difference in your mentality.
That’s funny that “That’s not in my budget” has become a normal response even though you don’t have a budget! Now all you need to do it get a budget! 🙂
That’s great! I totally agree, and I often feel like other people are judging us when I say, “We can’t afford it.” Because it’s really just because we’re choosing to put our resources elsewhere. Thanks for sharing!
By saying that you’re choosing to spend your money on other things, I think people will respect that. Saying you can’t afford something when you actually could makes it look like you’re just making an excuse and not being truthful.
I have a “I’d rather” list. When I see something that I think I might want I check out my mental I’d rather list and decide I don’t want that I-phone because I’d rather go to Alaska for a month next summer. Or I don’t buy a new handbag because I’d rather put that money toward a new bedroom outfit for the new house we are building. That way, I’m never depriving myself of things I really want. I’m making the choice to spend my money in a way that gives me the most satisfaction.
I love the idea of an “I’d rather” list. A great reminder of all the reasons not to spend! 🙂
I feel the exact same way!
Thanks Shenna
So very true! We often don’t buy the trendy new things not because of being unable to afford it, but because we prefer to save for long travel expenses, our childrens education and our retirement. It is interesting though how many people think you don’t have a giant home, or mega T.V. , designer handbags, brand new cars or a bazillion cable channels because you “can’t afford it”. Explaining what you spend your money on or why you save it can help change the attitude that unfortunately our society seems to have that if you have money it needs to be spent….
You’re right Megan. It seems like society wants us to flaunt or money in the way of tangible, visible displays of “wealth.” The funny thing is just because you have flashy things doesn’t mean you’re wealthy at all, but could just have loads of debt!
Ooooh, this is such a huge part of Nonviolent Communication (I just wrote a series of blog posts on this) and I’m so excited that you shared it, too, because people can see its importance in both communication and finances! We really do need to make the switch from being passive/victims to stating that we choose to do the things we do/feel the way we do!
That’s cool Lisa! I haven’t studied nonviolent communication at all, but it makes sense that taking control of your situation by using words that avoid making you the victim would really help. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Ultimately spending is a choice, so this makes sense. Thank you for sharing, Stephanie!
Yes Sonja! Spending (or not spending) is a choice and we should own it! 🙂
Very valuable lesson for all of this – thanks for the frame of mind check.
Thanks Ellen. It’s amazing what a difference your frame of mind makes!
It literally feels different to say “I’m choosing not to spend the money on…” Absolutely love this!
Exactly Maria! It feels empowering because you are in charge!
Another phrase I despise and try never to say is: “I have no money.” I hear people say this all the time and it is (usually, I am sure) not true and kind of hints at ‘one-down-man-ship’ (as opposed to one upmanship). So I switched to saying “I have little money” at first and now I don’t even comment about it at all.
Unless you really don’t have money, I wouldn’t say that either. But like you said, unless it was relevant, I probably wouldn’t bring it up at all.
Most of the things I want I can afford; I just choose not to buy them so I don’t use that verbiage. I’ll openly say I don’t want to spend my money on something, like pedicures or dying my hair, because I’d rather retire early. But I don’t have a problem saying it if I truly can’t afford something – meaning I would have to go into debt to be able to buy it. I agree with everything you’ve said about the power of words, but I personally don’t feel like a victim if I truly can’t afford something. It took me a long time to get over the shame of growing up very poor and since I can afford more than I could possible need now, it no longer bothers me to say it.
That’s great that you have taken away the “poor” stigma that comes with saying “I can’t afford it.” I think it’s great that you don’t feel bad when you honestly can’t afford something. It sounds like you’ve come a long way as far as finances go!
this is great, and so true! something to remember as my littles grow up and start asking for things…
The learn so much from our attitude and example!
I always avoid saying it because we probably can afford it but choose not to buy it. DH on the other hand is always saying ” we’re broke” or ” we can’t afford it”. It’s only the 2 of us and I handle the money so it drives me nuts. He grew up fairly well off so I think if he isn’t able to buy everything in an instant ( which he can’t) it makes him feel “broke”.
Perspective has so much to do with attitude! It sounds like your husband got everything he wanted as a child!
Thanks for the reminder. I used this technique all the time with my children, although not particularly on financial matters since we were in a more comfortable place financially then. However, if they wanted a snack immediately before lunch, I would not say, “No, you can’t have that before lunch.” Instead, I would phrase it, “Yes, you can have a snack as soon as you finish lunch.” Now that our financial circumstances have changed from what we expected during our senior years, I generally have a pretty upbeat attitude toward the different way we’re living. I phrase our efforts to myself as making choices about what’s important to us, but I needed the reminder this week. From one generation to another, thanks again.
Way to keep it positive and focus on choices! I love your non-financial example!
I feel exactly the same. You want to put out there positive, not negative.
Exactly Kara!
The day you wrote this post, I was struggling about how to talk to my mom about this…she is not a glass half empty person, but she isn’t a glass is half full either. So I guess the glass is neutral. I am going to print it and give it to her.
I hope it helps your mom! 🙂
I don’t have an aversion to the phrase “I can’t afford___”. I definitely understand the power of words though. The one that drives me crazy personally is “I do/don’t “need” the money”.
Working as a bartender if I work I make money, and if I don’t work I don’t make money. I don’t get sick days or vacation time. The harder/more I work the more money I make (in general). I say this to explain why that phrase annoys me.
I work with people who will often ask to work my shifts because “They need the money” (What does that mean? That I don’t?). I have even had them say “Your husband has a good job. You don’t need the money” (WHHHATTT?!?!?!). Or they will ask me to work because “They don’t need the money, and would rather be off”. I want to look at them in scream, If you would have worked when you DIDN’T “need” the money, then you wouldn’t be begging for shifts because now you DO “need” the money.
I don’t know about others, but I always “need” money. Even if not for immediate bills. Sometimes I “need” money for future bills or ***gasp*** things I want.
I can totally see where you’re coming from CeCee and why “I need/don’t need the money” would be a frustrating phrase! It sounds like you work with a not-so-responsible crowd! I am with you!
You’re right on the mark with this one! How we phrase things most definitely matters. I say it the way you do too – for that same reason.
A year or so ago, I also stopped saying, “I should (insert any number of things here).” Now I say, “I choose to (insert same variety of things here).” Or else I finish the “should” sentence: “I should do A if I want B to happen.” It may sound like not much of a difference, but it was HUGE to me mentally. Got rid of the guilt of not doing the millions of “shoulds” that I felt were on my plate at any given moment in time. Helped me better clarify my priorities. X wasn’t getting done because I had chosen to use my time to accomplish Y instead. Only so many hours in a day! “Should” has become a dirty word in our house now!
I can totally see how taking “should” out would help you avoid guilt for not doing all of the nice-to-do things that keep us from doing what’s essential of most important. That’s great that it has helped your prioritize!
Love this! I also don’t like the phrase “I don’t have any money.” I’ve run into that one (and “I can’t afford it”) upon inviting friends to do social activities like going out to a movie or out to eat. Then I would see the same friends spending money on other things, like a new purse or a roadtrip. This was always so frustrating to me – they obviously have money, they just choose to spend it elsewhere. Which is fine – but then why claim that you don’t have money? “I’m not spending money on eating out right now” or similar is such a more realistic way of wording things. I definitely plan to be more mindful of using more realistic and empowering wording myself. Thanks for the article!
That is frustrating. I think some of it comes down to plain old honesty. If we try to make all of our communications completely honest, we won’t find ourselves saying things like “I don’t have any money.”
That is my issue with phrases like that too! I’m sure there are some people and families who truly can’t afford certain things but even in those cases it would be better to say I can’t afford that right now or I’m not comfortable choosing to spend that much right now. I have been around people in the past who said they couldn’t afford things and it clearly wasn’t true. I’ve always chosen to use different language (at least in the 25 years since becoming an adult) because it drove me crazy hearing it when it wasn’t true! I have often told my son, I’ll be happy to get that but not here. I’m not going to spend extra money on something just to have it right now. I can almost always find a better price on things we need & want. My husband & son are better shoppers & money managers because of it. It has also taught my son that there are some things I’m not willing to spend money on that he can earn money for and then buy them for himself. He has a strong work ethic as a young teen.
You know its funny, I always said that to my kids when they were growing up thinking it would help them realize you can’t have everything you want. Looking back now, I wonder if that isn’t why all my kids have issues with spending…..hmmm. I never thought about the negative connotation attached to it – well, my kids may be grown but I can always change, right 🙂
That’s funny Sue! I’m sure it’s not the only factor, but you’re right that you can still change your own mentality!
I had a post on this about a month ago, and you articulated my thoughts on it so well! Growing up, my parents said this phrase often, and from that, I’ve caught myself saying it, even when it’s not actually true. It may be semantics, but I completely agree about the psychology behind it. I’ve been making an effort to change the way I phrase things. I don’t want to be in that victim mindset.
It’s amazing how empowering it is to realize that you have a choice on how to spend your money and that you aren’t a victim.
It’s not that you can’t afford it, it’s that you choose not to. That’s a big difference. That puts you in the driving seat. Every purchase you make should be a decision, not a reaction.
Yes! Choice is so empowering!
I am the same way. I don’t like how negative it sounds even if it is true that I can’t afford something.
How we talk really affects how we think and act.
So many of the comments are absolutely right. You could “afford” to buy many things but you wisely choose to pay down your debt Your children have a good life. They live by their grandparents and eat great “from scratch” food.
Thanks Linda. We think it’s pretty cool that they can be so close with their grandparents. They have similar values, so it’s great to have them reinforce the things that we are teaching our children.
The thing I say is we haven’t budgeted for that but we can if you really want it. I grew up in a large family and my Dad was enlisted military so I heard we can’t afford that so many times. I didn’t like it so when I had children of my own I decided to say that we would have to discuss it and budget for it if it’s really something they wanted. The children have to contribute their allowance money though if it’s something they want.
That’s great that your kids can be involved in budgeting for things that they want. That’s way better than just getting sick of hearing your parents say “we can’t afford that!”
I try to avoid that phrase as well, because it’s usually simply not true. I’ve become fond of the saying, “I can afford anything, but I can’t afford everything.” I make good money, and can afford basically anything — if it’s more important than everything else. But basically nothing is *that* important, so I choose not to afford it.
Good way to think of it! You *could* afford something, but it would be at the expense of everything else. Putting things into perspective makes such a difference.
You are not alone!! I also feel that it is important to show my kids that we are not “victims” of our situations. We are currently 100% debt free but struggle to maintain money in savings. We strive to have $1000 emergency fund but several months ago BOTH our cars needed repairs at the same time and it drained all our reserves. Since then there has been a LOT of “we are choosing not to buy that right now” with our kids. Just this week my husbands check was enough to get us back to $900 in savings (so close!). He worked 26 hrs. overtime the last 2 weeks to make that happen (very proud of my hubby, can you tell??). We celebrate big (verbally, lots of high fives and cheering, not by buying anything or going out for food or whatever) with the kids so that they can see the result of all the “choosing not to” that was going on. Living in Southern California where we do is NOT easy on one very modest income (I am a SAHM who homeschools) but it CAN be done. Getting out of debt was key for us and we are bound and determined to stay that way (3 years debt free so far!) and eventually buy a house.
Heather, that’s amazing! I’ve been told by many friends that my husband and I would never make it in SoCal if he were to take a job there because we’d live on one income. It’s sounds like you have an amazing story and congrats! I love the idea idea of celebrating verbally and purely having fun!
That is great that you are debt-free and wonderful that you are teaching your kids to about choices. Way to get your savings up! I love that your whole family is involved in celebrating your successes and what you do have. So many people in similar situations would be focused on what they don’t have or what they think they “deserve,” which teaches children to do the same.
I am pretty young (23) and haven’t been on my own for quite a year. When I moved out, I immediately put a strict budget in place so that I wouldn’t have to be stressed out about my money. Some people seemed really shocked because I’m so young and so careful with my finances but I feel like it empowers me. I feel the freedom to buy free range eggs because I know how much I should spend on food every month and I know that I can save by buying Great Value hashbrowns. I’ve caught myself saying things like “I can’t afford this because XX” but I always re-frame my statements “I could afford this but I choose instead to spend my money on this.” Some good points you had in your article and a great way of thinking of things!
Holly that’s great that you got your financial life in order so young! Realizing that you have the power to choose really is empowering!
I have never thought about it but what a great point! So much of spending/budgeting is psychology, it’s important to maintain a positive attitude and empower yourself. I think the point about not opening yourself up to unsolicited advice is also an added bonus. I’ve always thought that people make money for what they value whether it be an education, a home or expensive cars. This means that when people question my spending I see it as them questioning my values, which I think I have a handle on better than anyone else. Plus, I’m not really open to changing them based on someone else’s priorities.
I hadn’t thought of questioning your spending being equivalent to questioning your values, but you’ve got a good point there!
That is so very wise. I like to avoid negative words and thoughts. Nomatter what your financial limitations are you always have a choice. Well said!
So true. You always have a choice. Having a choice is so freeing!
I wish everyone would read an internalize this article! I dislike it when people say ‘i can’t afford it’ and seem completely okay with spouting that out to anyone who will listen.
In some circles, it’s pretty common language and a pretty common topic, for sure!
I think J. money wrote something similar a few months back (you put your own spin on it, I’m not knocking you here, stay with me) and it was completely eye opening to me. I was saying it all the time and it was reinforcing a hatred of budgeting. But I’m so glad you posted this because it made me realize I am still doing it. I want to have power over my money and not the other way around, so … Thanks for a reminder!
I will have to look up his article Kristen. I never saw it. I thought maybe I was the only one who was picky about wording like that. You’re right about it reinforcing a bad attitude about budgeting.
I completely agree. I had to catch myself sooo many times raising our children. I did not want them to have a “poor” mentality. We told them it was about choices. We explained to them that we chose to save for their college rather than have cable TV, go out to eat (often), etc. We explained why we thought this was better for them in the long run. Angela
Hi Angela! That’s awesome that you thought about not giving your kids a “poor” mentality. So much of life is about choices, not just finances, so it’s important for kids to start understanding that young!